WHY ARE THE PEOPLE WE LOVE THE MOST THE ONES WHO HURT US?

Have you ever wondered why the people closest to you are the ones who hurt you the most? Why are the people you love the ones who cause you the most pain? Shouldn't they be the ones who cause you the least pain?

When I refer to the people closest to you, I mean your parents, your family, your friends, your partner. It depends on your situation.

I'm sure you've had a complicated relationship with someone you loved, someone who belongs to one of the social circles I mentioned.

Why does this happen?

Because we've shared a stronger bond with these people. They've been part of life-changing experiences. We've explored a deeper version of ourselves with them. We've shared a part of ourselves with them that we haven't shared with anyone else.

So why the pain? Shouldn't everything feel beautiful if we share such a strong bond?

The answer is: because of vulnerability.

You usually reserve your vulnerability for the most special people, or those you deem worthy of seeing that sensitive part of you—those you believe will cherish it. However, when you share that sacred and subtle part of yourself, when you give your love, you also give up your expectations, and rooted in those expectations are the wounds you haven't healed.

Your wounds cling to the expectations you hold of others, and when those expectations aren't met, your wounds resurface. They come to the surface, and you experience that same pain once again, from the people who hurt you before, people you once loved.

So how can we prevent this from happening? How can we avoid feeling that immense pain again?

By becoming aware of your wounds. By recognizing the script of pain you carry within you, those stories written in your early years that you continue to repeat to this day with different characters.

Healing your personal wounds is definitely not a one-day or linear journey, but it's a worthwhile process so you can stop reliving the same pain over and over again in relationships.

Relationships act like a mirror. They trigger our wounds and show us the shadow we carry within. Even those people who "brought out the worst in you" showed you a part of yourself you didn't know existed, a part that was there but you hadn't acknowledged. They revealed fears you carried inside, insecurities, or very primal emotions you hadn't become aware of, and it was thanks to them showing them to you that you were able to work through them.

With this, I'm not encouraging anyone to stay in a toxic relationship in any way. Everyone must have the discernment to know when it's appropriate to leave a relationship.

All I want to say is that we must learn from those painful relationships. Human relationships are designed to show us what we need to work on. Without realizing it, we do that work for others, just as the other person shows us what still hurts, what hasn't healed.

To begin transforming painful relationships into healthy ones, we must start by recognizing our own history of pain.

What painful feeling keeps recurring with the people you love?

How exactly do they hurt you?

When was the first time you felt this way?

With whom else did this happen?

What story did you tell yourself after that pain?

When was the last time you felt it?

Do you notice a pattern in the painful experiences you've had with the people you love?

What is the root of this recurring pain?

What beliefs do you hold in your subconscious about the situation?

Do you subconsciously believe you deserve it?

Is this a story that runs in your family and keeps repeating itself?

Begin to become aware of the pattern of repeating yourself. Don't just focus on the relationships you've chosen and blame others. Redirect your attention inward and ask yourself, "Why did I choose that person? Why did I enter into that relationship?"

Become aware of your wounds so you can rewrite the story you tell yourself and stop forming relationships based on your painful script.

“A person who does not know their wounds is condemned to repeat their story of pain over and over again” - Anamar Orihuela.

The people you love will continue to hurt you in the same way if you don't start acknowledging your wounds and working on them; because you'll unconsciously continue choosing people who perpetuate your painful script—the one you told yourself when you were hurt as a child. Rewrite your story. You don't need to change the other person to do that.

You need to change yourself. Rewrite your story.

The people you love most have touched your deepest wounds because they were showing you what you need to work on. It's painful, but if you decide to address those wounds, you can change the course of your emotional story.

You chose that toxic friend because you needed to learn to set boundaries.

You chose that emotionally abusive partner because you needed to learn to choose yourself and love yourself more.

You chose those overly critical parents because you needed to learn that you are worthy of love simply for being you. (Your soul chose them.)

You can rewrite your story and break the pattern of pain.

Choose to relate from a place of love, not pain.

Choose to see your wounds and work on them.

Choose to become aware of your pain.

Choose to take responsibility for your choices.

Choose to take charge of yourself and take control of your life.

Choose to be the adult you needed to care for you as a child.

Choose to care for yourself and heal.

Choose to break painful patterns.

Choose everything for yourself.

You deserve more than to live from pain to pain and think that vulnerability or other people are to blame. You are the one repeating this cycle; you are the one who can take responsibility.

Don't choose to close yourself off from all human relationships just because someone hurt you once. Be braver than that. Choose to do the hard work of changing yourself to attract a different kind of relationship.

The people you've loved most have hurt you in some way because that's what you've unconsciously accepted.

Change your story. Choose yourself. Choose something better. Choose to heal your wounds.

I personally understand that this path is not easy, but I assure you that it is much harder to keep repeating the same pain. That's why I invite you to embark on the path of evolution, of reinventing yourself no matter what happens.

Los quiero mucho, Mel. ♡ 

Tell me in the comments: What pattern of pain have you identified in your personal relationships and how did you recognize it? I'd love to read your responses. 🫶🏻

Feel to heal, @melsaveyoursoul